Genius!
The smartest person I know is this baby I met the other day. Oh, wait. Did I say smartest? I meant smallest. The smallest person I know. The smartest person I know is me.
Howling!
If I was a werewolf I’d try to get as nude as possible before my transformation and make my way somewhere super public so when I transform back into human I could pretend to be very confused, but really, hey free excuse to show my peen!
Sports!
They say the best offense is a good defense. Then what is the best defense? A good offense? Why don’t the offense and defense just switch places then and you’ll have the best offense and defense in the positions they are best suited to play.
Breakfast!
Beverly woke hungry. She quickly got dressed and headed for the kitchen. She didn’t feel like toast or pancakes or eggs. Today Beverly was craving delicious Cheerios with delicious 2% milk. She walked to the cupboard and poured herself a big bowl of the little O shaped cereal. “All I need now is to fill this bowl with some hearty milk and I’m good to go she thought!”. She opened the fridge door and reached for the milk. Picking it up, feeling the weight of it she made a horrible realization that ruined her plans for breakfast… SHE HAD MURDERED A MAN LAST NIGHT IN A FIT OF DRUNKEN RAGE AND HER HANDS WERE STILL SOAKED IN BLOOD.
Oh and the milk was soy and it was also empty.
Wise Words!
Only you can prevent forest fires. But also… lightning.
Why don’t we kill two birds with one stone, and kill these two birds with one stone?
When people have a wad of fat under their chin it’s like they have a skin bib.
Hello, and welcome back to CNN. I’m a dying old man.
Rap!
I think Lillian Wayne is simply the greatest rapper out there today.
Honestly…
You should see my garden it’s amazing. It’s full of grass and it’s on my lawn and it is my lawn.
That Does It!
I’m back to Tumblr. I hope it welcomes me with open arms and let’s me suckle it’s electronic milk from it’s electronic teat.
Todd Solondz inspires the hell out of me.
Watch this.
Dreams!
The best part of sleep is just straight up dreaming about stuff.
Man, in my dreams I can do just about whatever.
Fall in love? Check. Fight a dragon? Check. Solve world hunger? I don’t think so, I mean what is this a magic land where anything is possible? It will take a radical, fundamental shift in our global perspective to fix a problem like that.
Superhero!
Since many superheroes are named after things they fear a lot like Spiderman or Batman I’ve decided my superhero name will be Large-Group-Of-People-I-Don’t-Know-But-Am-Expected-To-Talk-To-Man. That or just straight up I-Have-Social-Anxiety-Disorder-Guy. My power will be to engage strangers in conversation but have trouble focusing on what they are saying, making it awkward and having them leave me alone after a minute or two due to the obvious discomfort I am in. I will also rescue fellow partygoers from a worry free evening by sitting alone on the couch not talking to anyone while drinking lots of juice.
